Aftermath
by J. Peterson
Summary: How do you heal the one that matters most to you? How do you figure out if you even can? Set shortly after the Carnival. Natsuki-centric.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**  
Mai HiME and its characters belong to Sunrise. No profit made, no copyright infringement intended.

**Warnings:**  
This is NOT a happy fic. Uncertain is probably the best word for it. If you're looking for fluff, you're in the wrong place at the moment.

**Author's Notes:**  
I'll call this a minimalist-fic, I think, as all it consists of are the sounds you'd hear if you were to be present during it. Dialogue is the main focus, and I hope I suceeded somewhat in letting the emotions show even without any physical descriptions. Even if I didn't, it ended up being a good little exercise for me. An eventual continuation is as uncertain as the brief snippet below. Yes, I prefer happy endings, but this story may carry a stronger impact as a oneshot. Any thoughts on that matter are welcome.

Still having some serious 'puter troubles at home, so this was written and posted during spare moments at work. As always, thank you for reading.

**Aftermath**

* * *

"So what will you do?"

"I don't know."

Tick tock, went the clock on the wall, trying to fill the silence.

"You said that you forgave her."

".. I did. I do... but..." A rustle of fabric. "... I... so much death. Destruction. How..." A soft groan. "How do I deal with that? She... she killed. For me. I couldn't... stop her."

"Everyone has their breaking point. You can't blame yourself for how she gave in to her own darkness."

"But it _is_ my fault."

Tick tock.

"How?"

"I made her break." A low whisper. "I rejected her... she thought I was disgusted by her. I... I broke her."

A gasp. "She loves you?"

"We... we're each other most important ones. You know that."

"Yes, but..."

"How could I have missed how she felt? How..." A swoosh, and a crash. "How could I not have seen it?!" Footsteps, fast and agitated. "I should've paid more attention!"

A shuffle, a lighter set of footsteps, and a grunt. "Natsuki, stop it!"

Silence.

"She wears her mask well, you know that more than anyone. We were all caught up with both Orphans, Searrs and the First District." A pause. "You especially."

Tick tock.

"And look what that got me." A scuffle. "Dammit, let go! All the knowledge in the world couldn't bring my mother back, and I knew that!" A grunt of effort. "I said.... let GO!"

"Stop it!"

"I mean it! Let... me... go. Or so help me God, I'll--"

"You'll what?" Silence. "As I thought. Sit down, please."

Tick tock.

The clink of porcelain on wood. "Here. Please don't break this one."

"... sorry."

An exhale. "What do you want to accomplish?"

"About her, you mean?"

"Mm."

"I... want her to be happy."

"I see." A thoughtful pause. "How? If your rejection of her feelings is what drove her to do those things, it's likely that the only thing that can really make her happy is if you--"

"Accept them."

"Return them. And she will know if your feelings are false, no matter what."

Tick tock.

"Can you?"

"I..."

"You already love her."

"Yes."

"Can you be _in_ love with her?"

"... I guess that's what I need to figure out."

"I guess so."

Tick tock.

"You know what, Mai?"

"Hm?"

A sigh. "The Carnival was the easy part."

"Mm."

Tick tock, went the clock again.

"So what will you do?"

"I don't know."

Tick.

Tock.


	2. Chapter 2

For disclaimers, please see part I.

**Author's Notes:**  
Well, lah-dee-dah. Another update for a story I'd actually scratched off as being over and done with. What can I say? I wanted to see where it goes, so I'll probably keep updating this one, if sporadically. And fair warning, there's a chance it'll shift styles a lot. This chapter, for instance, is entirely in first-person POV.

Hopefully it won't end up as a mass of confusion. No matter what, thank you for reading.

**Aftermath; part II**

* * *

_I have no clue where to start. Scratch that. I have no clue, period. I don't even know why I'm writing this to begin with._

_Or, no. That's not true. I've heard of brainstorming, mostly in regards to schoolwork or projects of any kind. Tossing out random ideas, writing down whatever until you get to something that makes sense. So I guess that's why I'm doing this._

_Talking to Mai didn't help. I still have no idea what the hell I'm gonna do. So here I am, I guess. Jotting down whatever pops into my head can't make things any worse, at least._

_I guess I should write about the problem itself if I want to get anywhere with it. Otherwise I'm just wasting both ink and time._

_Time. That's something I have a lot of now. The Carnival's over, the First District is gone, Searrs seems to have gone into hiding – hopefully for another few hundred years. I found all the truth I wanted. More than I wanted, really, but yeah, it's over. All I have left now is school. Hell if I'm gonna be held back a year._

_So I have a lot of time on my hands. And yet, I don't. Because she's hurting, and I can't help but feel that if I don't figure out a way to stop that, I'm gonna end up losing her._

_Shizuru._

_I can't believe I didn't notice how she felt. Yeah, she's the damn queen of pretense, but she's also my best friend. Shouldn't I know if she was in love with me? Shouldn't there be some signs to pick up on?_

_Maybe I wasn't looking for them. Maybe she hid it too well. Maybe I did see it, but just ignored it._

_I don't like that last option. She's my most important person. My precious thing. So I really hate the thought that I knew how she felt on some level. Knew that she was hurting from having to hide it. And didn't care enough to at least acknowledge it._

_There's no excuse for purposely ignoring her like that. I really hope that wasn't what I did._

_The thing is that I can see it now. That extra warmth in her eyes. That extra joy in her smile that she saves for me alone. But I can also see that she's not showing it any more openly than she did before. I think it's because now I know it's there – I know what to look for, and what it is when I find it._

_I see the hurt too, even though she's trying even harder to hide that. And it pisses me off that I'm the one hurting her. If anyone else hurt Shizuru, I'd beat the crap out of them. But how do I beat up myself?_

_I know what it'll take to make her happy. Mai helped me figure that out, at least. Self-absorbed as it sounds, Shizuru won't be truly happy unless I can love her in the way she loves me. I do love her, but it's not a romantic love. At least I don't think it is. I have no clue what that kind of love feels like. Not that I haven't tried to figure it out._

_Mai and Tate feel that kind of love for each other. Mai and Kanzaki do too, but I think that's in a slightly different way. Shiho loves Tate. Yukino loves Suzushiro. Midori loves her professor. Takeda and Shizuru both love me._

_But even if they all 'love' someone, it's a different feeling for all of them. I tried talking to some of them about it – about what it feels like. I've never been so embarrassed in my life, and it didn't do me one bit of good, either._

_Yukino, at least, was helpful. She doesn't talk much, but she's sharp, and she's spent a lot of time watching the people around her, so even if she doesn't have a lot of first-hand experience, she makes up for it in insight._

_She told me that love comes in all shapes and sizes, from the superficial affection you feel for someone you admire from afar, like a pop star or a famous athlete, to the deepest kind of romantic love that's so strong, so all-consuming that you have no hope of knowing what it feels like until you experience it yourself. The kind of love that, for better or worse, will last a lifetime._

_She looked sad when she said that, and I can't help but feel sorry for her. Because Suzushiro has no clue, and Yukino is too worried about her reaction to really tell her._

_That's why I went to her, I guess. Because what she's going through with Suzushiro is what Shizuru was going through with me. And I just can't make myself ask Shizuru for that kind of advice. Not yet. Yukino was the next best thing if I was to get something resembling Shizuru's side of things._

_So there are a lot of different kinds of love. Friendly love, family love, romantic love and physical love. Well, the last one is probably better called lust. I guess that's what Takeda feels for me. I sure never talked to him enough to give him the chance to develop any other kind. A good thing, because I think it would make me feel worse about beating him up. I have no problem whacking him one for being a pervert, but I think I'd feel a little bad if I thought he was actually in love with me, and not just in lust._

_I managed to dredge up the the will to ask Yukino what kind of love she thought Shizuru felt for me. I don't know which one of us stuttered more. Eventually, she explained that it was probably a mix. She thinks Shizuru feels a lot of affection for me as a friend, but that she's also in love with me romantically, as a person. And that there's probably a good dose of physical desire mixed in, too._

_Crap. Either my head's gonna explode, or I can turn off my desk lamp. My face is red enough to light up the room right now._

_But yeah, I didn't know that was possible. I figured that most people have friends, and they have lovers. And to anyone, a person is either one or the other. But what Yukino said makes sense. If you really want to build a lasting relationship with someone, you have to not just love them, you have to like them, too. Friendship can grow into love over time, and what starts out as simple attraction – physical love – can grow into romantic love or friendship, or a combination of both._

_I need a break. My hand hurts._

_Alright, here we go again._

_Another thing I asked Yukino was how you know when you're in love. That turned out to be useless, because it's hard to explain, she said. It's different to everyone. What made her realize how she felt about Suzushiro might be totally opposite from anything I'd feel. I ended up muttering something about why it had to be so damn complicated. I knew she heard me, but her reply still surprised me a little._

"_How much time have you given to love, Kuga-san? Have you ever watched a romantic movie just for the sake of watching it? Seen a happy couple go by and done anything but dismiss them? Have you ever allowed yourself to feel attraction just to feel it? If you don't make it easy on love, why should love make it easy on you?"_

_And I guess she's got a point there. I can break into secure buildings and take down a grown man in five seconds or less, but when it comes to love, I'm clueless. Helpless. Completely._

_It sucks. Being helpless sucks. I swore I'd never be helpless, and here I am. Totally helpless, and because of that, hurting my best friend more than I think I even realize._

_So I guess this is another battle to get through. I just can't fight this one with bullets. My target here is love and understanding it, and my weapon... well, my weapon is research._

_I get to spend my free time watching sappy chick-flicks and going people-watching. Fun._

_Dammit, Shizuru. You'd better appreciate this. I'm doing this for you. And for me. So I guess I'm doing it for us._

_Whatever that 'us' might end up being._


	3. Chapter 3

For disclaimers, please see part I.

**Author's Notes:**  
This chapter is mostly very lighthearted, although I do embarass poor Natsuki something awful in it. I think I'm chanelling Shizuru.

Enjoy.

**Aftermath; part III**

* * *

"So." Natsuki crossed her arms and leaned back on the bench. "Explain to me again what we're doing out here?"

She, Yukino, Mai and Midori – who had overheard a whispered debate between the other three when they'd met her at the airport and proceeded to torture the entire story out of them – were currently hanging out in one of Fuuka's many small parks. More specifically, in one of the more remote spots, which was known for being a favorite of many of the town's couples.

"This!" Midori got to her feet and struck a pose. "Is part of your crash course in the Art of Luuuurve, Natsuki-chan!"

Natsuki blanched as the former teacher's loud declaration made several nearby people turn their heads. "Oh, shout it louder, why don't you?" she ground out, pointedly glaring at her own feet. "I don't think they heard you in TOKYO!"

"Sure." Midori shrugged and sucked in a deep breath. "THIS IS P-- oof!" A sharp elbow caught her in the side, and she gave its owner a narrow-eyed look. "Hey! Watch it, Mai-chan!"

Mai cleared her throat. "Midori-san, I'm pretty sure Natsuki was only kidding." She cast a glance at the biker, who seemed to be doing her best to pull her cap down to her chin. "Right, Natsuki?"

"Roif."

Considering the fact that the cap's sweatband was covering the biker's lips, that was probably the clearest reply they were going to get from her at the moment, Mai decided.

"Can you even breathe like that?" Midori crouched down in front of the thoroughly embarrassed girl and gave the brim of the hat a flick with her finger when there was no reply. "Hello? Anyone home?"

Natsuki shoved the blue and white cap back into its proper place on her head and gave the older woman her fiercest glare, which sadly had no effect. "Will you stop embarrassing me?" she hissed, one hand shooting out to give the brunette a shove that sent her sprawling on her back in the fresh spring grass. "Let's just get on with it!"

"Fine, fine." Midori huffed and got to her feet, crossing around to the back of the bench and leaning against it on her forearms. "No sense of humor."

"Shut up." Natsuki scowled. "I ask again; what are we doing here?"

"People-watching," Yukino supplied, pushing her glasses up a bit. "Look around, Kuga-san. The best way to practice attraction is studying others. Does anyone stand out to you?"

Green eyes gave the various couples and small groups nearby a quick once-over before the dark head shook. "Not really."

"Oo, what about him?" Mai nodded towards a dark-haired young man who was ambling along a nearby path, hand in hand with a young redhead. "He's cute, isn't he?"

Natsuki studied him, her eyes narrowing in thought. He was nice enough looking, she considered, being obviously fit with a handsome face and mildly tousled hair. She didn't see anything particularly remarkable about him, though. "I guess."

"Nah." Midori waved a hand dismissively. "Look at the one over there." She pointed towards a man who looked to be a little older than the first one, with a distinguished air about him and the faintest hint of gray in his brown hair. "Much cuter. Right, Natsuki-chan?"

A shrug. "I guess so. Doesn't really stand out to me, though."

They spent a good amount of time that way, with Mai, Midori and occasionally Yukino pointing out guys who caught their attention for some reason, and Natsuki dismissing every choice with either a shrug or a shake of her head.

"Geez," Mai lamented as she sat down on a shady patch of grass and rested her chin in her hands. "This is getting us nowhere."

"Kuga-san does seem to have very particular tastes," Yukino agreed with a sigh.

"Hey!" Natsuki pushed up the brim of her cap and glared at them both from where she was laying on her back in the grass. "I'm not doing this on purpose, you know. Not my fault that I don't share your tastes in men."

"Natsuki, with all the guys you've turned down today, I don't think you share _anyone's_ taste in men," Mai remarked, leaning back against a nearby tree and closing her eyes.

Midori, who was lying face down a few feet away, shot to her hands and knees. "That's it!"

"Eh?" Mai's eyes popped back open. "What's what?"

"We've only pointed out guys!" Midori declared, one arm sweeping out to indicate the open space in front of them. "It's possible that Natsuki-chan doesn't even _like_ guys! We need to start looking at women!"

"Oi!" Natsuki sat up. "What the hell are you trying to insinuate?!"

"Oh, don't look so offended, Natsuki-chan." Midori rested her hands on her hips and scowled at her. "You're in this whole thing for Shizuru-san anyway, aren't you?"

"W-well, yeah, but--"

"But nothing!" the brunette cut her off. "If you find women more attractive than men, that's a big step in the right direction, isn't it? Shizuru-san certainly isn't a man."

"No, she isn't, but--"

"Excellent!" Midori clapped her hands together and turned to survey the new prospects. "Women from now on, then, people! Yukino, help me out here! Let's find the type of girl that gets Natsuki-chan's juices flowing!"

"Oh, God..." Natsuki groaned and flopped back onto the grass, resolutely pulling her cap down as far as it could possibly go.

This had to be a dream, she decided as she pointedly ignored the renewed vigor in the chattering coming from her friends. A bad, bad dream that had been cooked up by the most devious part of her subconscious, all in an effort to kill her by making every blood vessel in her head explode while she slept.

She really needed to have a chat with that part of herself.

-----

The door closed behind her with a snick, and Natsuki sighed as she leaned back against it, infinitely relieved to have escaped back to her peaceful apartment. They'd ended up spending hours – torturous hours – at the park before having dinner in Midori's old apartment. Why the hell the former teacher kept it, none of them knew.

It was dark outside by now, and she knew that she had a lot of studying to do before she could go to bed, even if all she wanted to do was just curl up and forget that the disastrous and utterly unproductive afternoon had even happened.

"Bah." She gave the desk across the room a disgusted look, then sighed and pushed away from the door. "No way around it, I guess."

But as she sat down at the desk, it wasn't a school book that ended up in front of her. Rather, it was the notebook she'd written in the night before, and she rested her chin in one hand as she read through the few pages.

The apartment was silent while she idly twirled a pen in her free hand. Then a soft sigh broke the stillness, followed by the light scratches of writing.

_You had damn well better appreciate this, Shizuru. I know I've said that once already, but trust me, it bears repeating. Especially after today._

_Midori's back for a visit during the break. Mai, Yukino and I went to pick her up at the airport this afternoon, but we ran a little late and couldn't find her. While we were walking around looking, somehow the conversation turned to this whole mess, and guess who came up to us in her usual hyperactive way and overheard it?_

_She's like a dog with a bone sometimes, y'know that? Once she figured out what was going on, I didn't even have time to blink before we ended up on our butts in the park, comparing tastes in men. Then, when none of them apparently caught my interest enough to satisfy Midori (or Mai and Yukino, I guess), they started pointing out women._

_Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and laugh. I'm sure you would have if you'd been there._

_Why am I writing this as if it were to you, anyway?_

_Eh. I guess it's natural that you're on my mind a lot these days. You're the one I want to help, after all. And even if I end up figuring out that I'm not able to love you in that way, I suppose I can give you this and you'll know that I at least tried. Right?_

_Yeah. So I think I'll keep this up._

_In that case, you're probably wondering if any of the women they pointed out caught my interest more than the men did. But the answer to that is no, and I gotta admit, I'm really starting to get frustrated here. If I'm not even capable of feeling simple attraction, how can I be capable of falling in love with anyone?_

_Midori said that maybe I'm just meant to be on my own. I know she was kidding, but it kinda stung anyway. If I am, then so be it, but I don't like the idea. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me in a very fundamental way, and that... well, it scares me a little. Okay, a lot. Who wants to be broken, right?_

_If I am, it's my own fault. I know that much. If you shove something down hard enough, it's either gonna come busting back out or just stay down permanently. Either way, I don't think this is going to be easy._

_But there's gotta be some way I can do this. I have to._

_I think that maybe I should try watching a few of those chick-flicks I mentioned earlier. That's something I can do alone, at least, without getting embarrassed in front of others. Midori even gave me one to watch, although the grin on her face when she handed the DVD over makes me a little leery of it._

_Ah, well. I'm sure I'll survive. How embarrassing can a movie called 'Show Me Love' be? Granted, I don't know much about it except that it's a foreign film of some kind, but it can't be THAT bad._

_Gah, this is annoying. I'm getting all worked up over watching a damn movie. I think I do need to kick my own ass._

_..._

_I am going to fucking KILL Midori._


	4. Chapter 4

**Aftermath; part IV**

**Author's notes:**  
Woo extremely short update woo!

I have a report due on object-oriented analysis and design, but this was almost done to begin with and could be completed during a break. Plus, it's an interesting place to stop. :D

(nothrowingstuffplz. Also, way too much sugar and not enough sleep. Whee!)

* * *

"Dammit." There was a slight shuffle as Natsuki closed another book, and a sigh as she fell back in her seat and folded her hands behind her head, staring up at the ceiling of the library.

The short amount of time she'd spent online the night before had given her a few ideas for furthering her research. But even after spending two hours at the library once her remedial classes had ended, she had made precious little progress. The table in front of her was littered with books that all touched onto the subject of love in some way. From texts discussing the Greek concepts of _philia_, _eros_ and _agape_, to romance novels, to pages and pages of poetry. Right in front of her was the now closed, translated version of Ovid's _Ars Amatoria_, which, like all the other ones, had provided very little actual knowledge.

"_What you blush to tell," says Venus, "is the most important part of the whole matter."_

She rolled the words around her head and traced the pattern in the ceiling as she thought. That, at least, was something she was able to decipher. You had to care about something in order to be embarrassed about it, so it made sense that the stuff that meant the most would also be the stuff that was the hardest to talk about.

Or to deal with in general, she considered, cutting her gaze off to one side as another library-goer dropped a book and was immediately shushed by a passing employee. So what did that mean in regards to all the blushes Shizuru had provoked in her over the years? Was it a sign that she felt more for the former Kaichou than she was comfortable admitting, or simply that the subjects Shizuru had teased her about had struck a little too close to home for her liking?

Well, that was the question for the ages, wasn't it? Natsuki hooked one knee around a table leg and set her chair to rocking back and forth slowly on its back legs. The problem was that even though Shizuru had certainly embarrassed the hell out of her plenty of times, she'd never really given that embarrassment a closer look. And now that she apparently needed to figure out the reason for feeling it in the first place, that annoyed her greatly.

Shizuru hadn't been the only cause of her blushing, especially not in the past few months, but the ones that the tawny-haired girl had brought out had always been stronger and more intense, so it was a pretty safe bet that Natsuki felt differently when she did it, as opposed to when Mai was the one responsible, for instance.

She didn't know in what way she felt differently, and the only way that she could figure that out... Well, that was by going through it again and forcing herself to look past the discomfort and examine its origins, wasn't it?

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this." She righted her chair with a thump and got to her feet, abandoning the slew of books and stalking out of the library.

She needed to visit the source of the problem. And outright ask Shizuru to tease her.

_I'm never gonna live this down._

xXxXx

TBC


End file.
